Arctic Aged
Blood of Angel
0.33 oz.

Collected from Nephilim and meticulously aged in the Arctic, this scarce and fragrant mixture contains rebellion in great measure. Meddle with the world of man as you see fit. A small sip causes lust of the loins, Samson strength, and may make you considerably taller. A select few may fly.

100% Pure
Smurf Blood
0.5 oz.

Drink small amount to increase happiness, feel sense of community and increase level of corn.
May cause hallucinations, galeophobia, or a strong desire to host sausage parties.

Genuine 17th Century
White Man Mojo
Imperial Lozenge
8.4 oz.

It's tough these days. All the females and the brown people are taking your jobs and riches and being mean and ordering you around and out-spawning you. It's payback time and you didn't even do anything wrong. Suck on one of these sweet lozenges and the concentrated ancestry will fill you with the power, dominance and heartlessness you sorely crave to take back your seat of power.

Corporate Espionage
Pocket-Sized Elixir
0.1666 oz.

Up for a promotion with a formidable peer in the running? Pitching for a new client and competing against a rival agency? Pour this elixir into your opponent's drink, or even douse their presentation or clothing with it and they will be out of the mix. Take precaution: revenge may be a side effect of using this product.

Everlasting Life or Instant Oblivion
5+5 Capsules

Would you live forever so you might see and learn everything under the sun? Or are you rather sick of it all, and would prefer to give up now and sleep dreamless for eternity? One blue pill will give you immortality, one orange pill will euthanize you. At least we're pretty sure about that. The guy who mixed the powders has disappeared unexpectedly, and that’s what he told us, but we are too afraid to test them now because maybe he was wrong? Maybe his is dead? Maybe he is walking the earth, field by field? Anyway send us a letter if you take the blue one and it doesn't kill you, so we know for sure. 

Finest Quality 
Crude Oil
Fossil Fuel
2 oz.

This inimitable mixture has matured in the earth for 20 Million years just for you. With this bottle you can drive a quarter of a mile in your car, you can heat your house for 10 hours, or you can make an exceptional Molotov cocktail.

J.R. Very Fine Rare Goods are purveyors of the most bestest quality, super hard to find thingamajigs that you were aching to possess but weren’t quite sure existed ‘til you seen it here.

Our products are works of art, so you got to pay extra. Each item is hand made to order under the strictest imagined and/or undocumentated guidelines, by the artist, for the artish artifact aficionado. Each item is unique unto itself, ‘cause it may be boring to make 2 things exactly the same, or maybe it’s just impossible to make 2 things exactly the same.

All our claims and boasts are blatant lies, and you are a foolish person if you believe any of it. J.R. Very Fine Rare Goods are not responsible for any dumb-ass shit you might do with our products. They are novelty works for your aesthetic amusement, and if you hurt yourself well then too bad you are a moron and don’t even bother sicking your lawyers on us ‘cause by purchasing our products you hereby absolve us of any liability of any harm you cause yourself or anyone else due to the ridiculousness that you do on your own time.